-The Atlantic Coast Conference is for schools on the Atlantic Coast.

-The Western Conference is for schools in the West. And Louisiana.

-The Pacific 12 is for schools on the Pacific Coast. And in landlocked, non-coastal states.

-The Big 10 is for 12 schools in the Midwest.

-The Big 12 is for 10 schools in what others call the Midwest.

-The Mountain West is for schools in the mountains and also for schools nowhere close to mountains.

-The Big East is for schools in the East that aren’t big. 

-The Mid-American Conference is for colleges in Middle America. And in New England. And for all schools named after fictional states, except for East Carolina (see below).

-The Notre Dame Conference is for assholes.

-The Patriot League is for East Coast schools in communist, latté-drinking blue states.

-Conference USA is a halfway house for undesirable schools trying to get back on their feet. And for schools named after fictional states, except for Ball State and Kent State (see above).

-The Southeastern Conference is for the fastest athletes money can buy.