The TK

Joe Flacco sketch from Beige’s show last night. Avery was...

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:08:24 -0500

Joe Flacco sketch from Beige’s show last night. Avery was really hilarious (and even gamely dealt with an unruly audience member).

It’s baseball’s Opening Day, so I’ll post this...

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:52:25 -0400

It’s baseball’s Opening Day, so I’ll post this baseball video I wrote. Episode 6 of the web series First Base. Shot last year at the Brooklyn Cyclones’ field.

Updated guide to college football conferences

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:34:51 -0500

-The Atlantic Coast Conference is for schools on the Atlantic Coast.

-The Western Conference is for schools in the West. And Louisiana.

-The Pacific 12 is for schools on the Pacific Coast. And in landlocked, non-coastal states.

-The Big 10 is for 12 schools in the Midwest.

-The Big 12 is for 10 schools in what others call the Midwest.

-The Mountain West is for schools in the mountains and also for schools nowhere close to mountains.

-The Big East is for schools in the East that aren’t big.

-The Mid-American Conference is for colleges in Middle America. And in New England. And for all schools named after fictional states, except for East Carolina (see below).

-The Notre Dame Conference is for assholes.

-The Patriot League is for East Coast schools in communist, latté-drinking blue states.

-Conference USA is a halfway house for undesirable schools trying to get back on their feet. And for schools named after fictional states, except for Ball State and Kent State (see above).

-The Southeastern Conference is for the fastest athletes money can buy.

Yes! By not using a photo that was unavailable to them, and...

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:17:02 -0500

Yes! By not using a photo that was unavailable to them, and instead relying on their stupid, inferior-to-professional-camera eyes and their silly brains—not evolutionarily designed to decide instantaneously whether a man running at full speed touched his knee to white paint on the ground—those refs sure did BLOW IT! Morons!

I wrote a new Brig video. The irony here was that we ordered...

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 23:05:56 -0500

I wrote a new Brig video.

The irony here was that we ordered two Domino’s pizzas—for the product shot and for lunch—and they were terrible.

Even though I hate their ad campaign (it only reinforces criticisms of their product!), I was willing to believe they’d improved their pizza.

Nope! Still terrible!

Quick, silly video starring Matt Cutler and Dru Johnston.

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 10:38:10 -0500

Quick, silly video starring Matt Cutler and Dru Johnston.

“Tech Mom”—Pam Murphy teaches hacking. This...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 11:44:48 -0500

“Tech Mom”—Pam Murphy teaches hacking.

This is the final episode. Or is it????? (It is.)

Gotta plug my cat, Abbey’s, debut performance!! (Also,...

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 14:34:00 -0500

Gotta plug my cat, Abbey’s, debut performance!!

(Also, Connor Ratliff, D’Arcy and the Brig did a great job with this one.)

Tech Mom, ep 2 is up. Pam and Adam did a great job.

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 11:47:52 -0500

Tech Mom, ep 2 is up. Pam and Adam did a great job.

The Inception of Political Attack Ads. Commercials within...

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 10:17:58 -0400

The Inception of Political Attack Ads. Commercials within commercials.

A parody I wrote with Adam Sacks. Came out really well for something done in a few days.

Adam’s graphical work and my brother’s score really sell it.

Thanks to Matt Mayer, Nate Russell, Nat Freedberg, Rob Webber, Kent Kincannon.

New Brig video on breast cancer and corporations.

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 10:07:44 -0400

New Brig video on breast cancer and corporations.

walking for my Dad

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 10:59:43 -0400

Hello,

My brother and I are doing the NYC Walk to Beat Lung Cancer on Oct. 24th and could use some small donations (like five or ten bucks). As some of you know, my Dad passed away in August after a battle with lung cancer and we’re hoping to honor his memory by supporting lung cancer research.

(This is an email I sent to friends/family. Hope this doesn’t breach Tumblr decorum.)

Some unbelievable facts:

-lung cancer kills more people annually than breast, colon, pancreatic and prostate cancer combined

-those diagnosed with lung cancer have an 85% chance of dying within 5 years

Basically, we’re stuck about where we were decades ago: without good screening, so lung cancer is typically detected in the late stages, after it’s spread.

So, worthy cause. Money raised goes to lung cancer research projects around the world. If you’d like to help us, you can donate HERE (click ‘DONATE’ above the poorly-drawn thermometer)

The idea is to get small donations from many. If you can’t, no worries I totally understand. But hey, feel free to forward/reblog this message.

I really appreciate your help. I really dislike soliciting financial contributions but this one means a lot to me and my bro.

Cheers.

Zack

I’m days late on this but let me advertise the...

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 00:41:43 -0400

I’m days late on this but let me advertise the Brig’s latest video.

My brother, Mark, did a great job with the music. Hear his band’s keyboard-based indie pop here.

eulogy

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:58:03 -0400

My Dad passed away a couple weeks ago. Monday was his birthday so I thought I’d post the eulogy I wrote. Felt like a necessary prelude to returning to Tumblr, regular life.

****
Eulogy, as delivered

For my brother and me, my Dad was like a mountain you live your whole life in the foreground of, from childhood to adulthood. You can’t imagine the skyline without it.

I want to convey to all of you what my Dad meant to my brother and me but it’s difficult to describe that kind of large, looming presence. It’s easier to describe pieces of him.

I think of sounds. His sigh as he plops into a chair. His ring finger drumming on the steering wheel. The low rumbling engine of his Grand National Buick. You could hear the car from blocks away and when my brother and I were kids, this sound signaled that Dad was back from work. We’d run out the front door to the end of the block, then turn around and run parallel to the car as he approached our driveway, waving him home.

Here’s an analogy: In baseball, there are two kinds of homerun hitters. The first kind stands and watches, making a big deal out of his homerun—he’s a showboat. The second lowers his head and jogs briskly around the bases—he’s done this before and plans to do it again.

My Dad came from this, second school. He was a grin-and-bear-it kind of guy—confident but not boastful. I remember as a kid seeing a TV commercial for a skuzzy plaintiff’s attorney (no offense if any are present) and I asked my Dad why HE didn’t have a TV commercial. He delicately explained to me that he didn’t need one.

He didn’t crave the limelight. He took big cases but he didn’t seek media attention. During one high-profile case, the Dispatch ran an article on the lawyers involved and the paragraph on my Dad said he had a reputation as the firm’s “junkyard dog.” I remember him saying, mostly facetiously, that he was hurt by that description. I don’t think he saw himself that way. I was 21 at the time and shocked—I had absolutely no idea my Dad had a reputation as a fierce and intimidating trial attorney. He was a compassionate father, and never once raised his voice. He wasn’t a bulldog at home.

But that was him—he had competing sides to his personality. My Dad could be brutally honest, especially about himself, and he wouldn’t want me to canonize him. It’s fair to say the relentlessness and diligence that made him such a successful attorney had a flip-side: he wasn’t as present as he would have liked to be for baseball games, piano recitals and the thousands of less official moments that collectively make up one’s childhood and adolescence. He didn’t realize that was the trade-off he was making at the time, and years later I think he regretted it. Not necessarily regret that his younger self made that decision, because he was smart enough to understand that his younger self NEEDED to be an outstanding attorney for important, personal reasons; but I know he regretted that his sons and he hadn’t spent as much time together as we might have.

Fortunately, the three of us got a lot of quality time together the last two years. His original diagnosis gave him 10 months, but he lasted twice that. I’ve never really understood what it meant for someone to “bravely battle cancer”, but I can tell you what it meant for my Dad: Getting up every day and trudging through treatment, even though it made him feel sick. Showing up every day and working your butt off, in other words.

My Dad had a curmudgeonly side. But the flip-side to that was a brave stoicism. He never surrendered, allowed no self-pity. In two years of battling a rough disease, I never heard him say he was feeling worse than “mezza mezza”.

To me, that was an admirable fight, befitting the way he lived his life. He didn’t make a show of it. He just put his head down, and grinded his way around the bases.

I think my brother and I inherited that low-key demeanor from him. He left us other things as well—his work ethic, his love of language. And to this day when I hear a low rumbling engine I still have the same thought from deep within my consciousness: “Dad’s home.”

Therapist

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 16:25:52 -0400

Minute 25. Patient gets up to squash a spider on the wall with a tissue.

Therapist: Why do you suppose you did that?

Patient: Uh… I dunno. Because I saw a spider.

Therapist: And why did you kill it?

Patient: That’s what you’re supposed to do. So it doesn’t bite you.

Therapist: And why would you think the spider would bite YOU?

Patient: Because it was closest to me.

Therapist: Do all spiders bite?

Patient: I think so.

Therapist: Interesting.

Editing Michael Jordan

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:56:08 -0400

Jordan on Lebron James joining Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh in Miami:

“There’s no way, with hindsight, I would’ve ever called up Larry (Bird), called up Magic (Johnson) and said, ‘Hey, look, let’s get together and play on one team.”

See changes in bold:

“There’s no way, with hindsight, I would’ve ever called up Larry (Bird), called up ~~Magic (Johnson)~~ Rik (Smits) and said, ‘Hey, look, let’s get together and play on one team.”

rabbits

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:48:55 -0400

A German schoolteacher with rabbit-phobia has lost a lawsuit against a 16-year-old student, which began after the schoolgirl drew a large rabbit on the blackboard, prompting the teacher to flee the classroom in tears. The teacher’s suit alleged the student had defamed her by spreading a rumor that she was afraid of rabbits. (via slatest)

INT. CLASSROOM

HEIDI draws rabbit on blackboard. Teacher runs out of room screaming and crying.

Class is stunned, silent.

Heidi: I think she might have a fear of rabbits.

STOP SPREADING RUMORS, HEIDI!

Asshole.

Can we all just admit we've barely heard of Bosh?

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:40:06 -0400

Oh man, the Heat are gonna be sick.

Lebron James. Dwayne Wade. Chris Bosh.

Tearing up the Eastern Conference!

The King.

D-Wade.

Chris. Bosh.

LeBron will be throwing down ridiculous dunks, draining game-winning threes.

Dwayne will be the shooting guard who can score from anywhere on the court.

And Chris Bosh will be there!

Lebron: two-time NBA MVP,

playing with

Wade: the MVP of the NBA finals

and

Chris Bosh: crazy hair.

Watch the eff out cuz this team is gonna be nuts.

Lebron James. Dwayne Wade. Steve Bosh.

Can you spell championship?

banking job announcement

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 23:03:00 -0400

Village Voice: A 33-year-old single mom has sued Citigroup, claiming she was fired because her bosses thought she was too hot.

JOB ANNOUNCEMENT
Business banker, midtown branch

Ideal candidate will have:
-3+ years banking experience

-normal body shape—nothing too curvy or voluptuous

-command of financial accounting

-1+ grating personality attributes that cancel out physical attractiveness

-imperfections in figure but no tattoos, body piercings or anything conjuring Bad Girl or Life-Changing Hipster Girl mystique

-knowledge of small business loan requirements

-prudish vibe but, again, it should be a grating prudishness, not a sexy prudishness (Amish schoolgirl not Catholic schoolgirl)

-having said that, your vibe should be prudish but not nubile. It’s not that we’re pedophiles—it’s just hard to resist young coquettish girls. You know what we mean.

-unexotic ethnicity —probably white, but not Nordic White! Nor Sorority White, Goth White, Jewish White, Sheltered Suburbanite White or Wrong Side of the Tracks White.

-masters in banking and securities law

Vote, if you please

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 18:04:00 -0400

Hello. If you want, vote for The Brig’s “Overly Ambitious Ensemble Drama” as the film of the month at Shooting People. Here’s how:

You have to register here. (It says you need to pay but you can just not pay, and still be registered).
Then you can vote for the video here (“vote” = rate it 1 to 5).

This is also a way to see a high-quality version of the video (also see youtube.)

Thank you kindly.