The TK

Are you really better than Don Draper? Future people will think you suck. 

Sketch of the Week

I’m starting a weekly series where I analyze great new sketch comedy. This week: this hilarious new parody of a Mazda commercial.

2014 Mazda3 — Dare the Impossible — Mazda Commercial

0:00. The premise—using heroic public figures to sell a lifeless product—is nothing new, so to be funny you have to really heighten that convention. And they did! Not only did they use celebrities who died more than 40 years ago, but each one is a more ridiculous figure to turn into a corporate shill than the last.

0:06. Note how the writers use language to escalate the absurdity. The section on Bruce Lee is merely clichéd; the Frank Lloyd Wright section heightens to being historically inaccurate; and the Jackie Robinson part is actually offensive. Good, clean heightening. 

0:12. I love the secondary joke of reducing the contributions of influential public figures to screensaver platitudes. (In real life, Jackie Robinson overcame unprecedented resistance and scrutiny, with his entire race’s fate on his shoulders; in this commercial, Robinson is merely a guy who believed in himself.) The canned boos becoming canned cheers is a nice way of playing this ‘over-simplification’ game aurally.

0:25. The announcer explicitly states that Jackie Robinson’s courage is “the Mazda way”. Good joke and good placement — half a minute in, we need to be hitting comedic overdrive. 

0:30. Couple sentences about “Sky Active technology” and such. This is perfect because it “rests the game” — something young sketch writers all too often forget to do — and also is funny in its own right because it’s the kind of corporate blather only PR assholes would think to write. Nice, surprising joke so late in the sketch.

0:53. We linger on a still of Jackie Robinson as the announcer says “This is the Mazda 3.” This is satisfying comedic resolution. Like the principle of Chekhov’s gun, if you start with an offensive premise, we want to see it carried through to its logical offensive extreme.

Overall: A-. Small deduction because we’ve seen stuff like this before, but otherwise a very effective parody of a car commercial. Kudos to the sketch group “Mazda USA”!

Beige Presents How Your Mom’s Version of NYC/Any Big City

thecomedybureau:

UCB’s Beige puts on another great sketch presenting the real life version of what your Mom thinks living in the big city is like.

Watch your frustrated calls/talks with your Mom come to life here.

Hey thanks Comedy Bureau.

141 plays

This is a song parody I wrote for the Beige sketch ”The New York City That Exists in My Mom’s Mind.” The amazing Kelly Hudson did a great and hilarious job rapping and singing. (This song probably won’t make sense if you haven’t seen the sketch sooooorry.)

ESPN:

TUESDAY—Brooklyn Nets coach Jason Kidd reportedly used a 13-letter word in an expletive-filled rant against assistant Lawrence Frank following the team’s loss in Orlando on Nov. 3, NBA.com reported Monday.

"Sit the (expletive) down! I’m the coach of this (13-letter word) team! When you’re on the bench, don’t (expletive) move," Kidd said, according to NBA.com reporter David Aldridge. The report did not offer further details of what the 13-letter word was.

Source: Psst! I got information for you on the Kidd rant.

Reporter: Great!

Source: But I need protection.

Reporter: I’ll quote you anonymously.

Source: Not good enough.

Reporter: We’ll go off-the-record.

Source: This is too hot for “off-the-record”! I need something more.

Reporter: I’ll replace curse words with a character count.

Source: Hot dog, let’s make some news…

Statement on Assad from Another Unelected Arab Dictator

Hello, UN leaders. Today international inspectors visited weapons facilities through Syria, verifying 21 of 23 chemical weapons sites. This puts inspectors on schedule to remove all chemical weapons from Syria by the established November deadline. This is good news. I strongly support the ongoing effort to take away Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s chemical weapons. I just have one question: 

Are his chemical weapons, like, up for grabs? 

Because I could take them off your hands. If someone already called them, that’s totally cool. Totally cool. Just figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.

It should go without saying I would not use the weapons to hurt my own people. I am nothing like Assad! I mean, I suppose we’re both men, we both like pizza, we’re both unelected dictators desperate to quash a popular revolt growing dangerously close to a tipping point—but that’s where the similarities end. Substantively, we’re as different as night and dusk.  

I just ask about Assad’s chemical weapons because I’d hate to see them go to waste. I hate waste. See, I’m the type of person who gets pleasure from re-using old items discarded by over-thrown regimes. 

Like when the Mubarak regime closed down in Egypt, I remember saying to them “What’s, like, the story with these shoulder-fired missiles? Are you taking them with you? If so, that’s totally cool. Totally cool. But if not I’d just hate to see them end up in a landfill. I mean, if you want I’m sure I could find some use for them. I could donate them to a theater company, or put them in a museum, or use them to eradicate opposition snipers limiting my efforts to import weapons from Tripoli. Or whatever. Wouldn’t you feel better knowing someone’s getting use out of them?” 

So back to Assad’s chemical weapons—could I be a total mooch and snag a couple of those bad boys?

Again, I would never gas my own people. My people and I get along great. They demanded representative democracy, and I unblocked a few internet search engines. Same page.

Let me also say, if you have plans for Assad’s weapons but don’t have a place to store them, the basement of my palace is totally free!

Or if they’re just sitting around maybe my scientist friend could take a quick gander at them? See, I’m the type of person who gets pleasure out of knowing the precise chemical composition of mass casualty weapons. 

If not, that’s totally cool. Totally cool. Thanks for your attention.

One separate, procedural formality: I’d like to officially declare dibs on all government weapons in Bahrain. Those guys are definitely going down.

Preview of the next week

I have a cold right now so I can tell you this actress really nailed what it feels like.
Kudos to Getty Images. 

I have a cold right now so I can tell you this actress really nailed what it feels like.

Kudos to Getty Images. 

Funny Honeys

A bartender was closing down the UCB Theater for the night when she saw something in the corner of a back room: one performer giving another performer a blow job.

You read that right. A blow job. 

But what did this blow job mean? 

Some point to the creative nature of comedy as a reason the blowjob might have happened.

"If this were a theater for accountants, that probably would have been normal sex," said a person without a name. "But part of improv is saying yes to any idea, including blowjobs." 

The Blowjob also raises the question of what happens backstage at UCB. Few have entered this exclusive space, but some suggest blowjobs are not entirely uncommon sometimes. 

"Backstage there are a lot of hallways" said someone without a name.

And you don’t have to be a perv to know what happens to mouths and penises when they get in a hallway. 

"It’s all about hooking up and having sex," longtime UCB performer Aubrey Plaza said about her new movie "The To Do List".

Some estimate literally thousands of blowjobs have occurred involving at least one UCB member since the late 90s.

Several UCB performers have even married each other. Many of those marriages may have included blowjobs, some say, allegedly. 

The bartender whose parents didn’t give her a name said the blowjob she witnessed was definitely a blowjob.

"That’s what I just said three times," she said. "You’re not writing an article about this, are you?" 

One thing’s for sure: blowjobs.

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tumblr note: wrote this before seeing morgan had already posted his own parody that everyone has already read and appropriately liked. posting this anyway because hey. (apologies if this breaches decorum.)

2 videos: 1 fake, 1 real

Figured I’d put these in one place: this local news report on bear safety has a striking resemblence to a sketch we did last year.